Getting Back In Groove

Well, while I have many small duties to perform yet today, the big thing is to make a blog entry. I take this seriously. I eventually want this to be a "professional" blog, that is, I want it to be up to snuff mechanically, but first, the truly BIG thing, is to learn to express myself publicly.

The blog as "public expression of private thought" might better be expressed as "public expressions of a private citizen", except that my sense of the challenge is so personal. It is a conviction I have that I never in my life have had a thought that somebody else hasn't had first, so why should I express what is already known, somewhere? Do I just add another voice?

This personal modesty in reference to the capacity of others I think is a true perception, it also has the immense psychological value of connectedness. I can feel that my mind --the innate structure of my mind and character-- my perception of values, are at one with men from all time, back to Socrates, back to the beginning of man as man. This sense of continuity of mind with the nature of all men from all ages is the rock of my sanity: I know that if I've thought carefully, I've said something that's true, no matter how at variance I might be with those around me, no matter how odd and uncertain might seem the perception. With this modesty and faith and perception I know that somewhere out there there is a mind structured just like my own and that that mind has already had my thought, and that makes the thought true, in as much as men can discover the true.

Of course, men don't agree. But that's just discussion. If the structure of one mind can independently achieve exactly the same insight as another, that means that in some sense the insight is real, and all that's left is clarifying the difference. --Of course, sometimes it's necessary to shoot people who just don't get it. We'll call this, "diversity".


ALZHEIMER'S

A word on "taking care of an old woman who has become a problem."

Ma's capacities are substantially diminished from what they were just a week ago. I continue to ascribe that to the great rage of last Thursday (11/3). It does seem that the already weakened brain --I mean in its cellular structure-- was damaged in its integration by the stress of that over wrought emotion. I doubt that during the entire last 3 1/2 days ma ever really understood who I was. There have been many such episodes of failure of recognition but never before one unbroken for such a length of time. Her memory for the simple tasks that a week before she could perform --setting the table, making coffee-- is now pretty much gone, or at least very imperfect. Her sense of where she is, who she is, even her sense of her age, is the worst I've seen. For one long evening it seemed she was convinced she was a young girl, about twenty. She kept asking where her car was parked so she could go home, and she looked constantly in her purse for what I took to be her "mad money" --she really wanted to get out of there-- and cried when she found she had only three dollars: "Somebody has been in my purse, this has never happened before."

At about 4:00 PM Saturday, while I was struggling to keep her from waking dad from his nap, I had a thought I'd never had before. I made this note as we sat facing each other from opposite sides of the room:

My attitude towards caring for ma has changed. I had previously thought in terms of "what's best for her", as a kind of therapy, almost as if I expected recovery, though intellectually I knew that wouldn't happen. Now, I just want to keep her from exploding.
--I guess that's not truly stated. I still want to do for her what's helpful, but I do recognize now that she's "dangerous", she could easily destroy things both for herself and for dad, so instead of "recovery" as my emotion, my intent now is "to handle her, skillfully". Thus she is reduced in my eyes as a person. But she is reduced as a person, and if she is to stay here she does have to be handled. That's not an insensitivity, that's a moral fact.

The problem is her now constantly being on the edge of explosion. That's not good for her --if I'm right that such intense emotion is physiologically destructive-- and it certainly is not acceptable to me of dad if she's to stay at home. With that kind of aggressive anger caring for her becomes intolerable. So there has to be a change in my attitude. Before, she was my ma, I wanted to maintain a relationship with my ma as long as possible. So I discussed things. Patiently patiently patiently. I don't know if that's meaningful anymore. I don't know if ma is really there anymore.

So the emphasis now, at least the emphasis, has to be on control, and that means techniques and skill. This is an unpleasant thought. It's manipulation. But I don't see any other reasonable course. And I don't yet know what I mean by skill...thought I have some thoughts. --And it may mean I'll have to spend more time down there.


POLITICS

When I was home I did manage to hear a bit of Bush's Veteran's Day speech on Iraq. I remember being struck by what an advancement it seemed of his vision of just what this war is about. But the next day all I heard was that he had included three paragraphs that attacked Democrats. To my mind this hardly seemed the issue... But on just a little thought it was clear that it was: America has only one enemy that can defeat America, and that's the Democrat Party. --I'll discuss this more once I've had sometime to read.

...An AP writer on the French riots:

France's worst unrest since the 1968 student-worker protests is forcing the country to confront decades of simmering anger over racial discrimination, crowded housing and unemployment.

This is so silly.

Probably should also comment on Alito.